Warning: EXTREME RAMBLING AHEAD
As I mentioned in my last post, I now list my profession (so far, only on MySpace) as "warrior monk." Yes, greywar, it sounds better than "geek" and it means something much more to me as well.
Sometimes through adversity, things can become more clear. Not perfectly clear, in my case, but...
I did a lot of reading. A lot of self-improvement books. Some spiritual works: Purpose Driven Life. Some Zen: Zen In The Martial Arts, The Method of Zen. Some military related books: In The Company Of Heroes, The Battle Of Mogadishu, We Were Soldiers Once... And Young.
I've reassessed my priorities; I was forced to, in fact. I've realized that what I really want to be, what I've always wanted to be, is a soldier. I cannot ignore my past actions, but I can decide to not allow them to define my future. Whatever missteps I've made in my career can be now overcome and I can strive to attain a professional level as a soldier and NonComm that I had previously given up on.
My friend and mentor greywar has recently said that most soldiers aren't very altruistic. I want to be the exception. I want soldiers that I train to be the exception (and I face disappointment and frustration when I realize they've already arrived to me flawed in this respect).
I gave a mini-lecture to some students the other day when one of them let out a "Aw, man!" because I hadn't released them into the gym before the National Anthem sounded to bring down the colors. "I enjoy saluting the flag. It gives me that warm fuzzy soldierly feeling inside."
I was proud to serve on the funeral detail I attended earlier this month. The deceased was not a war hero. He had served and attained the rank of Private First Class and was honorably discharged, long ago. But his service to his country was worthwhile, I am convinced of that, and I was glad to be assigned to honor him.
I served in a Joint Service Color Guard for a memorial service for the KIA and MIA. I will represent the Armed Forces on other Color Guards in the next few weeks. I'm proud to serve in that capacity, to represent the Army and the military in general.
The term "warrior monk" came from (at least in this case) the grousing of a retired 1SG whom I have the pleasure (no sarcasm, I love the guy) to work with. His stories of beer machines in the barracks in Germany led to his lamentation that today's Army expected young soldiers to be "warrior monks"; these young soldiers best not get caught doing "the wrong thing."
It certainly wasn't his intent to give this term to me to define something I had been trying to figure out for months. But "warrior monk" fits well; for me, it summons images of a professional, disciplined soldier.
This is something I aspire to. I have to stave off my lazy, complacent side; my self-piteous, depressed self; and embrace ambition(!) that I've never before held as a virtue. The balance of pride and humility necessary to elevate myself to this level is delicate. I want to be a warrior monk.
And, besides, being a "geek" isn't something I really need to try to do. 